What ‘Acceptance’ Really Means — And How to Do It
We can't accept "acceptance" until we know what we're accepting. Confused? Read on...
THE NARRATIVE
"You're just going to have to accept it."
Does this phrase sound familiar? We hear it all the time, and it can sound downright dismissive. Overall, it is not very helpful because most of us don't know what "accepting" something means, especially when it projects an air of giving up and giving in to unsatisfactory experiences. (Gross!)
This expression comes from a deeply rooted narrative that whispers a tale of our powerlessness and lack of control, convincing us that we are mere passengers with no agency. Unfortunately, that is an inconvenient truth at times.
There is a more reframing definition in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a branch of psychotherapy that employs empirically-based psychological intervention with acceptance and mindfulness strategies along with commitment and behavior-change strategies to increase psychological flexibility. ACT defines acceptance as a willingness to experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings without needlessly struggling with them.
Dr. David Hawkins' Map of Consciousness is one of my favorite tools for calibrating my emotions. This representation of how our emotions either evolve or devolve us finds “willingness” and “acceptance” in a higher, more expansive place on the scale, putting us at a higher level of power over perceived helplessness.
THE DECONSTRUCTION
In a Boston University research study on acceptance, people with panic disorder were divided into three groups and asked to breathe CO2-enriched air to mimic a panic attack like intense anxiety accompanied by a racing heart, difficulty breathing, and erratic thoughts. They were also instructed to respond differently:
One group was told to suppress or minimize their symptoms.
One group was told to accept their symptoms by allowing them to pass without struggling with them.
One group was given no specific instructions on how to respond. (In research terms - this is called the control group).
The results were surprising. The subjects who accepted their symptoms felt less anxious and more willing to face the symptoms again, even though they experienced the same physiological responses as those in the other groups. Their active choice to accept the reaction gave them the most power over the situation.
REFRAME, REFINE, REWRITE
According to ACT, you can bring more acceptance into your life using these techniques and taper off of the subconscious victim or out of control narratives:
Recognize. Pay attention to and lean into any discomfort. This means observing how it shows up in your body and how you choose to describe it.
Check in. How do you feel about it? Are you judging yourself? For example, despite having logged five hours flying Cessna planes with an instructor and a drone seminar on the Part 107 of the FAA pilot exam, I have anxiety when I fly commercial. When I tried this approach, I noticed that the first thought that came to mind as my hands tightened around my phone and my heart raced was: “I am so stupid for feeling this way. I’ve been on many planes, lived abroad. What is wrong with me!” These judgmental thoughts never helped. Accepting that I am afraid has and still does.
Hold out your hands. By holding your hands out in front of you in a receiving gesture when in circumstances you can’t control, your mind momentarily stops struggling with said circumstances and gives you a moment to breathe.
These actions help calm the victim or powerless narratives swarming your brain so they don’t drown you.
Much of these techniques can be found in the Unwinding Anxiety program by psychologist Judson Brewer. His Google talk offers a nice overview.
Happy accepting,
Jessica
Want more?
Feeling stuck? Talk to me via a one-on-one advising session or hire me to consult here.
Join the community. Follow @narrativedive on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube. You can also add me on LinkedIn.
Listen up. Narrative Dive is also a podcast available on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and other major platforms. Each episode features in-depth conversations with distinguished experts who discuss common narratives present in their field.
Article sources are cited in the text with a link for the curious.
I’ve been curious about ACT as a therapy modality for a while now. Good read!